I cannot find my penis.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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