Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
