She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
MIDGETS
????
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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