My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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