I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
