Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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