just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
