i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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