I wish my penis had an off switch
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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