I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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