I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
