Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
