Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
