There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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