You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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