I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
