I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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