Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My vagina is very pro this idea
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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