also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
