bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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