i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
