but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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