I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
you never un-have a 4some
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
