The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
