I just pynch a tree in the face
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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