Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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