Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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