Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize