also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
