Just fell off a train. Bad.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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