you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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