mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
