If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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