I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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