There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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