I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
