quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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