I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
