someone get that fucking seahorse.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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