Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
