i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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