I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
