I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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