I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
