our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm at about main and main street
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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