Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
