He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm just crazy horny about you
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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