apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
