Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Still dying that you shit outside
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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