After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
