we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
