I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
