Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
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