At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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