i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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