So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
