it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm getting married
To pizza
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
