Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
