I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
